Forgive but not forget
by Mapiya Huyana
Summary: After Red John's death Jane runs away leaving Lisbon behind with beautiful memories. Will Jane come back to Sacramento after all and if he will, what happens? Alternately from Lisbon's and Jane's POV, totally Jisbon, hint of RigsPelt.
1. Forgive but not forget

**Title:** Forgive but not forget  
**Author: **Mapiya Huyana  
**Rating:** K+ (just in case)  
**Genre:** Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort  
**Pairing:** Jane/Lisbon  
**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.  
**Summary:** "I forgive him but I will never forget." After Red John's death, Jane moves to another state and leaves Teresa Lisbon behind with beautiful memories and feeling that some part of her is missing.

**Author's Note: **I know, this is very cliché idea but I hope that this is new point of view. After reading I really appreciate if you will review. It is fantastic feeling when you see new review. It tells that somebody reads this story from beginning to the end. Hope you enjoy reading this!

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I forgive him but I will never forget.

This phrase is repeated in my mind over and over again. I have said so many times but only once I meant what I said. I know, people say this phrase when they want to forgive but they can't forget what have been done. Last time I said this phrase when I said goodbyes to him. And that was the only time when I meant every single word in this phrase.

I forgive him. I understand his choice and I'm not mad at him. I'm not disappointed or angry. I understand and I forgive. Okay, I lied. I am disappointed and maybe even angry. But I didn't lie when I say I forgive him. I truly do.

I understand why he left. I had done the same in the past.

He left because of Red John. We caught him. Unfortunately he died when he tried to escape us. In the papers it's said that I killed him with five bullets. But in the reality Jane shot three bullets. Then I took the gun from his hand and I shot two bullets more. Maybe because Jane had missed two times of three and Red John was still alive and he had a knife in his hands. Maybe I shot because I wanted him to get killed. The way or another I shot two times and I didn't miss my target.

Red John was dead.

And so Jane got his revenge. After the case had finally closed he left his resignation. I wasn't surprised at all. We had a little goodbye party for him. There I promised that I forgive him. We talked a lot. I don't understand why he had a need to explain me his choice. I understand without explanation. He wanted a fresh start. New life in a new city where nobody knows you.

I have done the same when I moved to Sacramento. So yes, I understand his choice. I forgave him and I also told that to him. He needed to hear it. He felt so sorry for me so I told him not to. I'm alright.

Except I'm not. I'm disappointed, angry and I feel like I'm a bad friend. If I can't help my friend when he needs it the most I can't be a good friend. So I fail. In friendship. But if I haven't let him go, if I had made him stay here although he wanted to leave… I wouldn't have been the good friend either, would I?

No. If he wanted to leave then I had to let him leave.

And now, here I am, sitting in my office with mountains of paperwork just waiting to be done and yet I recall my ex-consultant. Still after two months it sounds weird to say ex-consultant. He was part of my life so many years and we shared so many good memories.

Like that time when he persuaded me to do trust fall. I fell and he caught me so I didn't hit the ground. I can still remember what I think at that moment. I wasn't scared about hitting the ground – I knew that he would catch me. I was scared because I didn't know if I wanted him to know how blindly I trusted him. But afterwards everything went okay. He didn't make a fool of our trust fall. In fact he never made a fool of anything important. Like then when we danced in the high school reunion. I will always remember how he smiled at me when I gave up and walked to the dance floor with him. I was happy and relaxed in his arms. He was a pretty good dancer too, I must say.

Yea, I know, sometimes he was son of a bitch. He annoyed me until I screamed to him. He frustrated me and made me angry. I was furious because of him many times. It was a game we played. He teased me and I teased him back. He kept annoying me and I kept yelling at him. Everyone in Serious Crime Unit knew that little game between us. Of course we had our big fights but we always made a peace. Maybe it took many cups of coffee and tea and time to calm down but we always gave forgiveness to each other.

We were best friends and worst enemies. But like you know, the line between love and hate is really small. So small, that sometimes it feels like there is no line at all. In our case there really wasn't any kind of line. Maybe it was because of our jobs. We had to act many roles in any kind of situations. Once we acted married couple. Many times our witnesses thought that we were in some kind of relationship. Even our boss thought so!

But now I must correct that wrong fact. Because the answer is no. We weren't in romantic relationship. Never. We were only friends and that's it.

Now we aren't friends anymore. He wants to break free and start without us. So I let him forgot me. I tried to call him one day but the unfamiliar recorded voice told me that the number was wrong or it wasn't in use. Okay. I tried to understand that. He has changed his phone number and now I don't have any way to reach him. I don't even know where he lives!

So I must forget him.

Except I can't do that. First, I promised him that I don't forget him. Second, how can you forget somebody who was in your life many years? Who was your friend? Who really understands you? Yep. You just can't forget. So my only option is to keep going.

I do exactly that by working harder and more. If I used to work ten hours a day now I work twelve. I work too much, I know it. My team knows it. And worst of all, my boss knows it. That is a little problem. The team and the boss want me to relax but I want to work. When I worked I have something else to think than Jane.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to forget him. I don't hate him. I just can't think about him every day.

I can tell you a secret. I have a photo in my desk's drawer. It is nice photo of him. I like his smile and the way he is looking at me in the photo. It has taken one sunny day when we walk to the crime scene. He was in the good mood and told a joke. I laughed and he smiled at me. Van Pelt has taken the photo with perfect timing. We looked each other with smile on our lips and our body language tells that we are relaxed and happy.

The photo reminds me about his good side. I don't remember times when he broke down and needed a shoulder to cry on. I don't remember the look that he gave to Red John. I don't remember anything negative about him when I look the photo. And that is how I want to remember him.

I don't know who I'm trying to cheat. The truth is that I miss him. I miss him so much that my heart is breaking. Sometimes I find hard to breathe like somebody is strangling me. All because of him. I can't even sleep without thinking him! I wake up in the morning cursing something that he had made in my dream. Soon I understand that it was just a dream and then I hope it would be reality. I even miss his idiot ideas and irresponsible tricks that he used to do.

I miss every little thing about him, there is no way denying it. I need him back. Without him my work is easy and boring. There is nothing surprising in my day. I come early in the morning and I leave the office late in the evening. The same round every day. With him there was always something unexpected that made the difference in to the routine of day.

I hope that someday I will see him again. Just to see that he is okay. But somewhere deeply inside me I know that I won't see him. Ever. If he doesn't want to see me… Well, then I can do nothing about it. If he wants to see me he knows where he will find me. But he obviously doesn't want to see me – if he wants he didn't leave the town at all! So I can promise you this: if I'll ever see him again I won't say goodbyes. Never again.

I can promise other thing too. If I'll ever talk to him again I will tell him how much he means to me. Because… I love him. After all I loved my annoying, childish, charming and pain in the ass consultant more than I should have. I still love. More than he would ever love me back. But it doesn't matter to me because I love him.

Because of my love I forgive him. And also because of my love I will never forget him.

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**A/N:** Well, what do you think? Please tell me. And also – _let me know should I continue this_. I was wondering that because it would be fun to write Chapter 2 about what would happen if Jane would return 10 years later or so. But it's up to you guys! :) Thanks for reading.


	2. Learn to appreciate things

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**Author's Note:** Well, here we go. I would like to thank everyone who read the first chapter and everyone who will read this one so, thank you, you are amazing! Especially I want to thank _klcarr892, WolfE Cat, LAurore, ztsjl, Brown Eyes Parker, rej_ and _Agathanancy98_ which gave me fantastic reviews (I adore you!). Hope you enjoy while reading this one! And yes, it really is from Jane's POV!

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You learn to appreciate things only after you have lost them.

Many people say so when they talk about health. You know if you never thought that you will someday lose your ability to walk, you never think how much you appreciate your ability. And when the day comes and somebody takes that ability away you will feel like somebody has cheated you.

I never thought that I would come cheated like that. After my family's murder I thought I learnt my lesson. Nothing in this life is permanent. In any second your whole life could collapse like a house of cards. Someday you may understand what went wrong ages ago but does it change anything? Nope. It doesn't. Like revenge doesn't take the pain away.

And believe me I'm some kind of expert what comes to revenge.

In my case my revenge didn't change anything better. It turned my life upside down leaving me with confused and empty feeling. I didn't know what to do when my life's only purpose had taken away. I was free again. And it scared the hell out of me.

I was a coward. I ran away when I got a chance.

I moved to another state because I want to start again in some place where nobody knew me. I chose Montana to be that state - or maybe I should say Montana chose me. I was in the bar in Sacramento when I heard three men talking about Queen City. I just listened how one of them complained about his house. He was trying to sell it but nobody was willing to move in to Helena. I interrupted them and after a half hour and one beer I was the owner of the house in Helena, Montana. So I moved.

It was love at the first sight. The house was perfect. It was smaller than my house in Sacramento but it felt like a home from the beginning. My neighbors came to help me and I felt like I belonged to here. Like this was the real home I was looking for. I come here to forget my previous life in Sacramento so I changed my phone number. I also deleted every number on the phone's memory. I didn't want to remember.

First few months I was happy. I met new people, got new friends and after all I got new job. No, I'm not a consultant for anyone anymore. I work in kindergarten. I'm good with kids and I love them. So when I heard the kindergarten near my home was looking for an employee I applied. They chose me (maybe because there were only few other applicants) and I was satisfied.

Little by little I started to feel like something was missing. I yearned back to Sacramento. Back to my life, to my home, to my couch in CBI headquarters. I miss all my friends there. Especially I miss one of them. There wasn't a day without me thinking of her. She was my best friend so many years. She was always there for me whenever I needed her. I wanted to call her. Just to be sure that she was okay. But I couldn't. I was trying to forget them. I was trying to forget her.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't forget her. So one day I gave up. I had to know how she was. Her job was dangerous – what if something had happened to her? I talked to my lovely coworker Sally and asked her to call Lisbon. She wondered my request but she promised to do it. I told the number from my memory and Sally called. I stood next to her listening carefully. I didn't know if I want Lisbon to answer or not. I was breaking my own rules by calling her. Okay, technically Sally was calling her and I was just listening. Lisbon answered the phone and Sally did what I told her to. She asked if Lisbon was the nurse from hospital and she of course told Sally that she wasn't. Sally apologized politely her mistake and ended the call.

After that call I knew that Lisbon was okay. She was alive and that was all what matters. Soon I started to feel restlessness. What if she gets injured? Or worse, what if she gets killed? To reassure my restless mind I started to read news from Sacramento. Every Sunday I went through the newspaper in the Internet just to see if there was any mention about CBI. There wasn't and I felt better. She could be alright. She could take care of herself. She was survivor.

My life soon got routines and everything was like in the good old days. Or at least I tried to think so.

The fact was that my life wasn't better or easier in Helena. I had a job, yea. But I didn't have friends. I didn't find anyone who could be like her or the team. I was alone. Nobody understood me. Not the way she used to understand me. There was nobody I could talk if I needed to. I had to deal with everything all alone. I wasn't used to be that alone. Yea, I felt sometimes that I was alone when I lived in Sacramento but it was nothing compared to this loneliness.

After my first year in Montana I knew I had to go back to Sacramento. I had to see her. I couldn't deal with loneliness and restlessness anymore. I needed to be sure she was alright.

Although I thought so I didn't go back. I was too stubborn and proud that I couldn't give up. Only a thought about going back felt like I was a beaten dog which came back licking his wounds when the abusive owner called. I didn't want to be the beaten dog. I want to be wild and free wolf which can do whatever he wants!

Because of this childish way of thinking I made the secondly biggest mistake in my life. The first one was absolutely leaving Sacramento. The second was that I didn't go back when I had the chance. The third mistake was that I let the self-pity overwhelmed me. Do I need to continue? Yea, I guess you get the point. I was an idiot.

Years went by, I grew older and my need to see Lisbon didn't go anywhere. I felt I was creepy stalker when I finally heard about her. Or maybe I should say when I saw her. On the television. My heart nearly stopped at that moment! It was so many years since I had seen her face and heard her voice. Okay, I lied about the first one. I have a photo where we are together so I have seen her face. But it was so different when I saw her on the television talking to the reporter. She was real person, she was alive! After my first moment of joy I concentrate to her. She was grumpier than I remember and she also looked older and colder but she definitely was the same old Lisbon.

Except she was now on the top, in the charge of CBI. I laughed a little when I realized how she was now in Virgil Minelli's and Madeline Hightower's shoes. She was the one who yelled to the agents and made sure that rules were followed. She had made a wonderful career. She got what she always wanted to. I was sure that she was happy. So sure that I almost missed the hint of sadness in her smile.

But only almost. Maybe she wasn't so happy than I hope she would be. But there were thousands of possible reasons for that hint of sadness. She could have an ugly break up with her boyfriend. She could miss her brothers or her friends. Maybe something had happened to the team. I soon realized that I didn't know anything about her anymore. I didn't know what had happened to her in the last eight years so I wasn't the best guy for guessing what could be wrong. Maybe nothing was.

Maybe I was just paranoid.

After that I found extremely hard to focus on anything. The familiar feeling, yearning, raised its head again. I wanted to see her. I wanted it so desperately! I had to go back to see her. I had to. I repeated that sentence in my head many months but I never left. I just thought that next week will be better time for leaving. After many "next week" periods I found out that it was summer again – and my next weeks' had lasted half year.

I didn't do it on purpose. But you know, when you think you had everything here you don't want to go somewhere else just because there everything would be better. I had everything I needed in Helena so I didn't want to destroy it all because in Sacramento I would have something that I didn't have here. But what if in Sacramento everything is worse than in Helena? Then I would have destroyed everything that I still had. In other words I was too scared to leave.

Like I said earlier I was the coward. And the idiot too.

Eventually my loneliness won the battle inside me. Maybe Sally had something to do with my decision too. She said that I was unhappy and lonely and I should leave to find my happiness again. According to her words I was much happier when I came than I was now, nine years later. I finally packed my stuff and left the house in Helena.

I was coming back. To Sacramento. And to be honest it scared me a lot. I didn't know what to expect. Everything would be different. I might not recognize some old friends. But those were only excuses. The real thing that scared me was how Lisbon would react when she hears I'm back in town. Maybe she hates me. I understand. Maybe she doesn't want to see me. I understand that too without thinking twice. She has every reason to do that. Maybe she doesn't even remember me. If I try really hard I may be able to understand. If I try really really hard. Or nope. That's impossible to me to understand. If I couldn't forget her although I moved to Helena how could she forget me when she still works in same place?

I told to myself that she wasn't the same person anymore. I didn't know anything about her current life. She might be married, she might have kids and she might have family. She wasn't my Lisbon anymore. But I'm not the same person either. I have changed too. I was older (of course, I wasn't Peter Pan after all), calmer, humbler and I hadn't my wedding ring in my finger anymore. Maybe I'm better person now. Maybe I learnt something from the kids I worked with. There are too many maybes in my life but what is sure is that I have learnt my lesson.

In those lonely years in Helena I learnt to appreciate everything that I had had in Sacramento.

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**A/N:** I hope I didn't let you down although Jane didn't come back yet (but at least he is on his way back). Thanks for reading and special thanks (and virtual hugs) for everyone who is going to review.


	3. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**A/N: **Well, here is the next chapter! At first I thought it to be totally different but now I'm quite satisfied. Thanks for reviews _Mia66,_ _Country2776, MissDonnie _and _Brown Eyes Parker_. Only because of you this chapter is here now! (I was meant to write two essays but because of your reviews I -instead of essays- wrote this) Hope you enjoy! Oh and yes, we are back in Lisbon's POV.

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I thought that phrase every day for almost ten years but did it change something? No. I still missed him as much as in the beginning. I used to be sarcastic but I was happy when we worked together. Nowadays I was just sarcastic woman without happiness. I tried to be hopeful many years until I had to accept that he wasn't coming back.

After that realization I started to work even harder than ever. Maybe it was good. Now I'm in the charge and I can be proud of myself. But am I happier now? No. I'm not. When he was here, Cho was the man without feelings. Now I'm the woman without feelings.

It is so bitterly sweet to recall him. I'm not angry at him anymore – I'm angry at me. Why I let him go, why I didn't make him stay. I forgave him – but I didn't give forgiveness to myself. I couldn't help him when he needed it. It was so wrong! He had always helped me but I could do nothing to help him. I was terrible and selfish person, and I hate myself because of that.

Sometimes I see dreams about him. Last night I saw him standing outside my apartment waiting for me. He hugged me and kissed me and promised that he will never leave me again. He told me how much he had missed me and he made me happy after so many miserable years. Needless to say I was crying when I woke up and I just hoped that my dream would be reality.

The reality… What is the reality anyway? Is it the world where we are living? Or is the reality in our dreams? What if this whole crappy life is just a nightmare and after our death we wake up in better place which is the reality? I honestly don't know the answer for those questions. If somebody knows please tell me the answers! I'm tired of guessing and that's why I sometimes hope that this is just a nightmare and I will wake up soon.

Just now I feel like I'm fast asleep. After all, the world doesn't stop spinning and sky doesn't fall down because of my worries but I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Everything slips through my fingers and I can do nothing about it. I live from day to another without really living. It's like you can hear but it doesn't mean that you listen. I'm hearing but not listening.

And suddenly I'm wide awake.

I try to reach my gun until I remembered that it is on my desk. At work. So… I take a deep breath. Just because somebody is standing outside my front door it doesn't mean that I need a gun. Somebody, who doesn't want to knock on the door. Or maybe he doesn't dare. I walk closer and notice that he doesn't look like he is lost. He almost looks like he knows exactly where he is.

"Are you trying to find somebody?" I ask with louder voice than normally. I'm little nervous. How aren't when somebody unfamiliar man is standing on your doorstep? I can clearly see how he winces and slowly turns to face me.

Silence descends upon us. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know what he wants me to do. He is here after so many years of hoping and yearning. He is back. He is here. I can't believe this! This must be a dream. Maybe I fell asleep in my office.

"You", he whispers in the air to answer my question. I'm stunned and at the same time I feel the wave of joy passing through me. I realize that one single tear is running down my cheek and I wipe it away. I don't cry when somebody could see me. I look at him amazement. He looks so guilty and my heart breaks again.

"Patrick", I say really quietly because I don't trust my own voice. He swallows hardly before answering.

"Yes, Teresa?" He asks almost whispering. Maybe I'm not the only one whose voice isn't reliable.

I'm answering to him but suddenly I feel it needlessly. Why I'm even trying to describe my feelings with words? So I take one uncertain step towards him before I start walking certainly. I don't break our eye contact when I walk closer and closer. I know what I'm doing. Or at least I like to think so. He looks suspicious like he doesn't know am I going to punch him or what.

And then he understands that I'm not going to punch him. He spreads his hands and I take the last step with joy. He wraps his hands around me. I feel so safety and happy in his embrace! I feel how tears are starting to drain again but I don't care. He is back! I can smell his familiar scent when I take a deep breath. I can hear his heart pounding. I can _feel_ it.

I don't know how long we stood like that, my petite body against his and tears of joy falling from my eyes. I lost my sense of time at that moment. I want that moment to last forever.

Unfortunately it doesn't because nothing is eternal. He feels how I start to move away from embrace so he releases me. As soon as I'm not in his embrace anymore I want back. I felt so happy when his hands were around me.

Tears are falling from my eyes but I don't care. I'm so happy! I had given up for hope to see him ever again and now… Here he is!

"I missed you", I break the silence between us. A moment he looks sad before answering.

"I missed you too", he answers and hugs me again. I don't resist – why should I?

Finally he lets me go. I carefully read his expressions when I take keys from my pocket. I open the door and turn to see him. He is still standing in the same place.

"Come in, please", I ask smiling happily. He smiles back and follows me inside my house. Maybe he was as surprised as I was. I really wasn't waiting him back anymore. Maybe he wasn't expecting me to be so friendly to him. Maybe he had thought that I was forgot him?

"Your home looks exactly the same than I remember", he says with a laugh. I smile at him.

"You don't. You look older", I tease him. He laughs relaxed before putting that ouch-you-hurt-me –mask on his face.

"That wasn't so nice", he says. "I'm not that old!"

"Yes, you are! But don't worry, I'm too", I say while laughing at him. Of course he looks older! But I didn't say he looks bad. He maybe looks even more handsome than before. I sit down to my couch and he does the same.

"Nah, how old are you anyway?" He asks. I'm stunned. You can't ask something like that from your friend! Or from woman for that matter. He laughs at my expression. "My guess is that you're 35. I can't be wrong, can I?"

Okay, now I understand what he really was doing. I laugh more and soon he is laughing too.

"Sorry, but this time you are wrong", I say when I finally could talk without laughing.

"Ops, my mistake", he says still smiling that charming smile.

"Yea, it was", I say without thinking. Suddenly he looks guilty and sad again. I need a moment to realize what he thinks. "No, Patrick! I don't blame you. I never blamed you", I try to convince him. He shakes his head looking sadly.

"You should. I made a terrible mistake. I don't deserve your forgiveness", he says sadly. He covers his face with his hands and swallows.

"Patrick, look at me. I don't blame you. I understand why you left. I have done the same, don't you remember? I moved to Sacramento to escape my past", I say gently. "I blame myself for letting you go. I didn't even try to help you. I don't deserve you", I continue quietly.

"Don't blame yourself, Teresa! There was nothing more you could do for me."

"I should have done something. We were friends and you always helped me but I…" In the end I let my voice fade out. He looks up in to my eyes.

"You really think this is your fault?" He asks angrily and rises from couch. I nod. Finally he understands… or not. "You did everything you could! You let me go after the shooting and took the responsibility for the whole mess. You gave me my freedom. I made a mistake by leaving you. But you have nothing to be sorry for!" He almost yells to me.

"I said to you when you were leaving that I forgave you but I will never forget you. I meant every word", I tell him while I rise up too. I step closer to him.

"Why, Teresa? Why don't you blame me like you should?"

"Because I love you", I whisper quietly. I'm sure he can't hear my words but some way he does. He is stunned for a long moment. I turn on my heels and walk to the kitchen. I feel myself so stupid. Of course I have known that he doesn't love me. So why in the hell I told him what I feel? Because I'm an idiot. Now I lost him forever. He doesn't want to see me ever again.

I hear how he walks through my apartment and straight to the door. With a quiet bang he is gone.

I feel how my feet don't carry me so I sit down on the floor. My back hits the cold wall and I cover my face with my hands. My whole body shakes when I try to hold back crying. Warm tears starts to fall from my eyes no matter how hard I try not to cry.

Another hour goes by until I can calm down so much that crying ends. My heart is broken. Again. I rise gently to stand and I go straight to the bedroom. I dig under the blankets in my bed. The warm feeling starts to spread to my tense body. Slowly my muscles relax and I can breathe again so I take a deep breath.

"You're strong. Everything will be alright", I try to convince myself. "You're Teresa Lisbon after all."

Yea, definitely. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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**A/N:** I feel bad for Lisbon but I didn't find another way to do this. Next chapter… Okay, I don't promise anything but I have a feeling that things turns better between them. Reviews, please? More reviews means that you will get the next chapter sooner. :)


	4. To err is human

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**A/N:** This was supposed to be the last chapter but something happened and... here we are. So after this, there is coming one chapter more which is the last one. I hope this chapter provides the answers to the questions that previous chapter raised. Thanks for reviews _klcarr892, Brown Eyes Parker _and _submar_. And yea, it's Jane's POV again.

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To err is human.

As soon as the door was closed I knew I had made a mistake. Again, and worst of all was that it was the same mistake than ten years earlier. I had run away from her two times. Two times! What was wrong with me? Who really could do the same mistake _two times_?

Apparently I could.

I wanted so badly knock on the door and beg her to let me explain. But I didn't do that. When I look back now I don't understand why I didn't. Maybe I was too scared by myself. _Coward_, a little voice mocked inside my head. But the voice was right - I was the coward.

I had heard that she had missed me and she had forgiven me many years ago. I had heard that she loved me and that's why she didn't hate me. It was better than I had hoped. It was all and more than I had ever hoped. And still it scared me a lot.

It scared me so much that I left. It didn't help that I realized my mistake as soon as the door was closed behind my back. It was too late then. So I start walking. As I walk down the street I see familiar houses. It's amazing how you could be away many years and when you come back home you still remember how everything looks like.

Home… That is a strange word for me. I don't really know what my home is. Or where it is. Is it in here, Sacramento, with both painful and joyful memories? Or is it in Helena with loneliness and yearning? Or is it somewhere else where I haven't gone yet? What home even is? Is it the place where you are happy most of the times? Or is it just a place where you have a house and some kind of shelter?

The best answer I get is that home is where your heart is. No matter how hard I like to deny it, my heart is definitely here. With her. I lived many years in Helena but there never was a day for me without thinking her. She was there with me – in my heart. I remembered our moments when I felt hopeless in Helena. I remembered how she used to make me smile and laugh as well as I made her.

"I love her", I said out loud. I didn't even realize I was talking before I said so. And saying it out loud made me believe it. I truly love her.

I stop. Where in the hell was I going? She needs me and I'm walking away. What I was thinking when I in the first place left her alone? I turn over and start to run back to her house. I need to talk to her. I need to apologize!

When I see her house I stop again. I can see that there are lights on in the kitchen. She is home and she is awake. I'm scared and I don't know if I can knock. What if she hates me and doesn't want to see me? Maybe it is better to wait till morning. When she has calmed down talking would be easier. I walk closer to kitchen's window. Maybe if I could see her I find the courage to knock the door.

I see her sitting on the floor and shaking. She looks so vulnerable that my heart breaks. It doesn't help that evil voice inside my head tells me that this is my fault. I did this to her. Maybe that's why I decide I'm not going to knock on the door. Instead of knocking I run away. Again.

I guess that you noticed the pattern. I want to do right things, I really do. But I'm too scared and uncertain to do them. So afterwards I blame myself for everything and I hate myself even more. Then I'm little more uncertain and scared to actually do something. The more I hate myself, the less I do right things. It's never ending circle.

I look at my phone and then I make maybe the best decision in the whole day. I call to the number which I remember by heart. As much as I was tried to wipe them away in my life, I still remember everyone's phone numbers. So I made a call.

"Grace Rigsby", she answers sounding a little curious. She doesn't recognize my number – how could she, I changed it ages ago.

"Hi Grace, I'm", I start but she interrupts me.

"Jane? Patrick!" She yells happily. I laugh a little. She sounds so excited – like a little kid in a candy store.

"Yea, nice to hear from you too", I answer. "I'm just wondering what the best and cheapest hotel is nearby?" I tell the first excuse that comes into my mind.

"You are in here? In Sacramento?" She asks amazement.

"Yep", I admit.

"Then you must take a taxi and come to visit us!" She demands. I'm refusing politely but she doesn't let me. "Here is the address", she says and after that tells where her home is.

"Okay", I give up. "I come to see you. Do you need something?"

"You here as soon as possible", she answers. I hear man's voice from the back. "Wait a second, Patrick. Wayne, he is back! Jane is back in town. He is coming here so would you please take the children to their rooms while I'm talking? I'm going to say good nights for them later", she talks to her husband. I smile. I have always known that they were meant to be together! "Sorry about that", Grace apologizes.

"I think that I see a taxi… Yep, and it's free. Twenty minutes and I'm there", I say and wave my hand to the taxi.

"See you then", Grace replies and ends the call. I smile a little when I give the address to the driver. Maybe this night isn't so terrible after all.

I pay to the driver and I walk to door. Before I have the time to knock the door opens. Grace smiles happily and hugs me. I laugh a little and hug her back.

"Come in, please, come in", she speaks quickly and technically drags me inside. I hug Wayne too before I turn to face Grace again.

"It's really nice to see you guys again", I say straight from the bottom of my heart. I see how tears are forming in Grace's eyes. Wayne takes her hand on to his.

"We missed you", Grace says. I smile sadly to them.

"I missed you too", I say second time tonight.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" Grace asks smiling. I nod politely.

"It would be nice", I answer and so Grace runs towards the kitchen. Wayne walks to the living room and I follow him.

"How are you?" I ask. Wayne smiles and shows his ring finger.

"We have been married six years now", he answers. "We wanted you to our wedding but we didn't know where we could find you, so…"

"I'm sorry", I apologize. "But I'm happy for you – although I knew this would happen!"

"No, you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No!"

"Yes, I knew it from the very beginning."

"What are you arguing? Here is your tea", Grace asks when she comes to living room with three cups of tea.

"Oh, thanks Grace", I say as I take the cup she offers to me. "Lovely", I commend when I taste the tea. "This is good."

"Glad you like it. Now, tell us what you have been doing all those years!" Grace sounds so curious and excited that I can't help but laugh.

"Nothing so exciting", I try to calm her down. "I moved to Helena and I worked in kindergarten. Now I'm back here."

"Come on! Tell more. We haven't talked almost ten years! You have to be something more to tell us!" Grace demands but laughs a little. Wayne laughs and winks at me.

"You know, Grace, he was a narrator before but now he is so old that he can't remember any stories anymore!" Wayne laughs.

"Hey! I'm not that old! My hair is still golden, not gray!"

"It's called hair color products", Grace laughs. I laugh too. I have missed this. Because we are not in the headquarters they are so more relaxed. Maybe they have little more self-confidence too than ten years ago.

"Where you work nowadays?" I ask. Thinking about headquarters had reminded me that I didn't know anything about them either.

"I'm in Cho's team", Grace answers. I nod. Of course Cho is a senior agent.

"I'm with FBI. We have that cooperative thing going on. They hire me so they have better contacts to CBI", Wayne tells me.

"Cho is senior agent, you are in his team and Wayne is just messing around with feds?" I summarize with a laugh.

"More or less", Grace laughs. "So, now you will give us better story about your life in Helena."

And I tell to them what they want to know. It was nice to talk with them after so many years. Some way we end up remembering our best moments in the office. It was nostalgic and nice and it told me that I'm not alone. They didn't forget me although I was away for so many years. I feel like I belong here after all.

I'm going to leave but Grace doesn't let me. She offers me a guest room's bed and I can't refuse. She is so nice to me! Wayne says that he is going to sleep now because he has to go work next morning. We say good nights but Grace is not going anywhere. I have waited this moment. I knew that she wants to ask me something personal. I think I can guess what she is going to ask.

"Have you talked with Lisbon after your comeback?" She asks carefully. I sigh.

"Yes", I tell her. "I talked with her earlier today. She… Um, I need to talk to her tomorrow again", I try to avoid telling her how our little chat went. Of course she is not satisfied.

"She kicked you out and told you not to come back ever?" She guesses. I can see that she doesn't believe that would happen. So she is just asking to make me tell what really happened.

"Nope", I answer. "She was happy."

"But?"

"But… I made the same mistake again. I left her alone."

"She will forgive you."

"Um, I don't think so. She hates me and that's how it should have been since I left."

"She didn't hate you. She missed you more than anyone. She told me that one day you will come back. And she was right! You're back."

"If she didn't hate me then she will hate me now", I answer sadly.

"No she doesn't. She loves you", Grace try to convince me.

"I know. She told me", I whisper.

"She told you?" Grace sounds surprised.

"Yea. And I left her", I tell bitterly. After that Grace doesn't say anything. How could she? She doesn't want to hurt me by telling me how I made a mistake. And I know it too, so telling it to me is totally unnecessary. "I'm going to sleep. Good night Grace", I say as I walk to the guest room.

When I'm alone in the room I let my smile fade away. I remember how she was sitting on the floor and shaking and crying and it doesn't make me feel good. I know that in the morning I have to go to see her. I have to talk to her. I have to fix things between us.

Maybe everyone makes mistakes sometimes. I do them quite often. If to err is human, I must be really human then!

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**A/N:** Hope you liked it. Review, please? It's so much easier and funnier to write if you know somebody is going to read it after publishing. And to be honest I'm not sure (yet) what happens in the last chapter so... I'm happy to listen suggestions. :)


	5. To forgive is divine

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**A/N:** I'm sorry that you needed to wait so long. But honestly, school is killing me. I have three exams this week (psychology on Wednesday, Spanish on Thursday and history on Friday) and I have to read up to 500 pages in those exams. But there it is - the last chapter and from Lisbon's POV. :)

Thanks for reviews _WolfE Cat, klcarr892, Jisbon4ever, Totallyfan, Mia66_ and _Brown Eyes Parker. _I can't describe how happy I was when I read your reviews!

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To forgive is divine.

Who idiot invented that crappy phrase? I swear if I know you invented it I would shot him. Just because he ever opened his mouth and say something like that out loud. It's so wrong. It has no sense and it's disgusting. And I hate it!

I barely slept at all. I lay in my bed thinking and hoping. In the morning I don't feel like crying anymore – instead of that I'm angry. Furious. Furious is definitely better word for describing my feelings. I'm furious at him. Who he thinks he is? He can't walk into my life and out of it when he likes! He just can't! He can't choose to be my friend one day and be gone next day. He can't do that.

I'm in the mood that causes you breaking things. I would definitely throw some porcelain plates to the wall but I have too much experience about that one. It doesn't really help. It makes you even more furious because you have to clean up all the mess. Maybe I could go running. Little run doesn't hurt anybody.

I change to running clothes and leave the house. As soon as I'm running I feel better. Physical activity will always help when you try to control your feelings. Unfortunately I must come back soon because I have to go work. But endorphin makes me feel better so I'm little less furious now. Hopefully.

I go to shower and wear my work clothes on. I check I have everything with me that I might need during the day. Yep, I don't forget anything so time to go now.

At the time I come to headquarters I know I can't work all day long in desk duty. It's so boring and… boring. And irritating sometimes. I need more action so… In field, then. Maybe some team has suspect to catch up or something. That's the good point of being boss. You can choose what you want to do and nobody can tell you not to do that. I like working in the field and now I can go out whenever I want. Or almost whenever I like so. Of course I have to do my paperwork too, but catching the bad guy… who says it isn't my job?

I'm too stressed to really do paperwork but I try to even look like I'm doing them. I read through every file on my desk but afterwards I remember only a couple things. Like that Cho's team is near to catch the bad guy. That's good news. Maybe I get the opportunity to go field during today.

Van Pelt knocks my office's door before lunchtime. I look at her but she doesn't look at my eyes. Instead of that she stares the floor.

"Umm… Lisbon, I think you need to hear something", she starts awkwardly.

"Have a seat, Van Pelt", I say. She sits down and finally looks at me.

"Jane wants to talk to you. And I think you should-", she speaks quietly.

"Don't tell me what I should do or not", I warn her. She looks a little scared so I try to smile at her. "I don't need advice. I know what I should do. Thanks for taking care of me but I don't need babysitter."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I just… Jane came to our house last night and he didn't look happy. He regrets his actions", Grace tries to explain. I smile a little bitterly.

"Oh really? I thought he was alright last night", I say sarcastically.

"Are you-" She starts to ask but I interrupt her.

"Yea, I'm fine. Now, if you don't mind, I have job to do", I tell her. She is out of my office faster than I can say coffee.

If working was hard before I don't know what it is now. I can't concentrate at all. I can only think about our little chat with Van Pelt. Maybe she was right. Maybe I should talk with Jane. Just to… Tell him to go away. And this time stay there.

"Come in", I call when I hear a knock on my door.

"Boss, we're going to catch him. Do you want to come with us?" Cho asks. I smile. He knows that I need an excuse to leave my desk so he comes to tell me this.

"Of course", I answer. I hurry out of my office.

"Your bullet vest", Van Pelt says when I come to bullpen and offers my vest to me. I smile at her when I take the vest. She had known I would come with them. Maybe I'm little predictable sometimes. I wear the vest expertly – you know, when you have done the same many times you don't need to think when you do it again.

As we drive to the suspect's hiding place (which was old house in the middle of nowhere… how creative is that? Oh, that was sarcasm if some of you didn't understand) I feel the same familiar feeling than always when I'm on field. It's not adrenaline, not yet. Now it's just the waiting feeling. You know something is going to happen and you can't wait it to happen. Oh boy… This is going to be fun!

"Boss, your orders?" Cho asks at me when we stand in the house's yard checking our equipments.

"Nah, this is your case, Cho. You're the boss now, I'm just… visiting star, let's say so?" I answer with a little laugh. It's good to be near the action. Cho nods and turns to face our team.

"You heard her", Cho begins. "Don't get injured – I don't want any one in hospital", he warns us. Yep, one of his agents is in home with broken leg. "Kings, if I were you, I won't say a word", Cho says to young agent next to me.

"But boss, are you sure she is capable-", Kings talks and looks at me. Cho sighs.

"You're not so smart than I thought, Kings. She signs your paycheck after all", Cho says. I laugh to Kings suddenly paler face.

"Don't worry, agent, your paycheck will be sign after this too", I answer. Kings looks relieved and I turn to face Cho. "What kind of horror stories have you told to him about me?"

"Just the truth, Lisbon. I think it's time to catch the guy", Cho says. "Let's do our job! Kings and Lisbon, backdoor, Van Pelt with me to the front door", he orders. I nod slightly. Cho is good leader. I knew that someday he will take my place as a senior agent. Although I thought Cho's promotion will be after Jane would get me fired. That never happened but it would have happened if Jane hasn't left after Red John's case. Maybe that was good thing about his leaving. Oh, yea, I must concentrate to the case now. I take my gun and follow Kings to the backdoor.

"Sorry, ma'am, I didn't mean to offend you. I was just worried… You know, after Maddie's injuring", Kings apologizes.

"No need to be so formal, Kings. I understand. It's good to take care of teammates but believe me, I can handle this. I used to be senior agent before", I convince him. "Maddie will be okay. She is good agent and hopes that we catch this guy now."

"You're right. Let's go", he answers. I like Kings. He is good agent. Okay, he is young and new and needs a lot of experience but he is nice. He is one of the best young agents in CBI. He will be senior agent someday.

I hear how Cho gives a sign to go in. Kings opens the door and I go in first. I trust him although I don't know him so well than I hope. But you know when you enter into the house where suspect is with gun, you must trust your agents. I check the room but I don't see anyone.

"Clear", I yell.

"Go upstairs, we check other rooms", Cho answers to me. I start to climb the stairs and Kings follows without a word. We stand a second in the corridor ready to shoot but there are no movements. I nod to him and open the first room's door. He steps in and checks the room.

"Clear", he says to me. I nod. As I step out of the room I see our suspect running the corridor.

"CBI! Freeze!" I yell as I start to run towards him. I feel the familiar power of adrenaline in my veins. He doesn't carry gun and he is not threatening – he just tries to escape us. He breaks the glass of window in the end of corridor. "Freeze or I shoot", I warn but he jumps to the big pile of hay below the window.

"Damn", I curse. "I go after him!" I yell to the others. I jump out of the window and after I'm out of the pile of hay I start running. I can still see our suspect running to the nearest field. I don't understand why he chooses to run to field when there is forest as well. I run faster and faster – and I see how he is getting tired and slowing down little by little. Perfect. I can catch him easily.

Oops. I made a mistake by underestimate desperate man's actions. Suddenly he stops and turns to face me. I'm raising my gun to point at him but he is too fast. I see like in slow motion how gun is pointing to my heart and his finger pulls the trigger.

I don't see my whole life like a film in that moment. I can just think about him. I see his smiling face, hear his laugh and smell his scent. I feel so sorry about hurting him and I want him to know it. I also want him to know that I'm not angry at him anymore - I forgive him. I forgive Jane and I desperately want him to know. I don't want him to live his life thinking about how I hated him in the end of my life. Truth is that I don't hate him. I love him.

After all he has done to me I still love him. He is childish, selfish, pain in the ass and lot of more but he is also the sweetest and funniest and first of all only man I have ever loved so deeply that I'm ready to die for him.

I hear three gun shots and feel sharp pain on my chest. _Good bye, Patrick._

_

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_**A/N:** Okay, I lied. I'm bad person, yea. This is not the last chapter – at least there is still one chapter coming. What do you think? I appreciate every review and believe me; I've read every one at least twice!

Oh, and thanks for the idea _Mia66_. I hope every one of you (my lovely readers) enjoy reading this!


	6. Out of sight, out of mind

**Disclaimer: **Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**A/N:** I'm not going to fool you again (at least some of you believed me previous time) although it is April fool's day. There is the sixth chapter and it's not the last one either. This supposed to be but something happened and this is not the last one… I don't know when I'm really going to end this because every time something happens and the last chapter turns to continue in next one.

Thanks for lovely reviews _Mia66, LAurore, Brown Eyes Parker, Jisbon4ever_ and _Sweetylove30_. I don't know what I would do without you.

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Out of sight, out of mind some may say. That's not true. When I was away in Helena, I didn't forget her. I remembered her every day although I had seen her years ago last time. But I remembered her. I remembered how she smells, how she talks, how her laughs used to make me smile. I remembered how she calls my name, how she can hisses it like a curse or almost sings it like my name was the best thing in the earth. I remembered every detail about her.

And again I remember her. When I'm lying in the bed and thinking about her. In some point I must fall asleep because I wake up early in the morning and it takes some seconds to understand where I am. After remembering I'm in Grace and Wayne's guest room I relax again. I lay in the bed couple minutes before I hear a voice. Somebody is up too. When I go to the kitchen I see Grace, who is already up and doing breakfast.

"Oh, morning Jane", she says with a bright smile. I smile back at her.

"Good morning Grace", I answer. "Where is Wayne? Still sleeping?"

"Nope, he left one hour ago or something. You didn't hear him?"

"I didn't", I confirm. "I was fast asleep."

"That's surprising", she murmurs. "I can still remember how you were the only one of us who could get up in the middle of the night without any kind of complain."

"It was because I didn't sleep at all. Besides, Lisbon gets up really fast when she thinks she hears something", I point out. She looks at me surprised.

"How would you know how Lisbon wakes up?"

"We worked years together. You know, when CBI saved the money there were times when we had to sleep in the same motel room", I explain and she smiles.

"I can imagine that. You slept in the couch –except you didn't sleep- and she took the bed and woke up every single time you moved", she summarizes.

"More or less", I laugh. Her phone rings and she looks at it quickly.

"It's from work", she says to me. I nod. I understand. She has to answer. "Grace. Okay. I check it at the first thing when I get to office", she says and ends the call. "It was Cho. He thinks we have a lead", she explains.

"You don't need to go with hurry?"

"Nah, Cho isn't yet in the headquarters either. Besides, I had to take the kids to the kindergarten", she says smiling happily. I know I look confused when she laughs at me. "They were sleeping when you came at night. But probably they are now awake – at least I hope so."

"How old are they?" I look around to find toys or other kids' stuff that I hadn't seen in the evening. Suddenly I remember what she said to Wayne when we talked on the phone. She had said about their children. I missed it because I was so concentrated on the fact that they are married.

"Three and four", she answers. "Maddie, you can come here", she laughs and looks somewhere behind my back. I turn around and see the kid standing and watching me like I'm the weirdest thing in the world. Maybe I am.

"Who is he?" Maddie asks when Grace lifts her up to her embrace.

"He is Patrick, my old friend", Grace tells to her. "He worked with me and Daddy many years ago", she continues.

"He doesn't look so old", Maddie says and looks at me smiling. I smile back to her. She has her mother's red hair and big grey eyes. I can say she is very sweet little girl.

"Honey, would you go to wake up Will?" Grace asks. Maddie nods and runs out of the kitchen. I hear her climbing stairs and then there is a quiet bang. "Mommy!" She yells a little later. "Will doesn't look good."

"I'm there in a second honey", Grace answers and walks to the upstairs. I continue to make the breakfast because I feel so stupid just standing there doing nothing. She comes back little later and shakes her head. "He is a little sick. A little fever but I can't take him to kindergarten", she sighs. "Why he has to be sick right now?"

"Grace", I start but she doesn't listen. Instead of that she calls to Wayne.

"Darling, call me when you hear this. Will is sick. Call me. Bye", she talks. "Cho doesn't like this…", she sighs and chooses his number.

"But Grace, I can be with them today. I have nothing else to do anyway", I say with a smile. I like kids… and if I'm with them I don't have time to sorrow Lisbon. And when Grace comes back from work, Lisbon will be back too and I can go to her place. What a perfect plan!

"Would you really?" She asks amazement. I smile.

"Of course. I like children and I really have nothing plan on today. You can go to work and I can take care of them. Friends help each other, you know?"

"Oh thanks Patrick! You're such an angel!" She hugs me and runs to the stairs. I hear her talking to kids and telling them to behave because she must go to work and I take care of them. Maddie comes with her downstairs. "Honey, remember to be nice to him, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy. See you later", Maddie says and takes my hand on hers. I smile and wave to Grace.

"Don't worry, we will be okay", I promise as she takes her jacket and keys. She hugs me again.

"Thanks Jane, you make everything so much easier! Have a nice day, all of you", she wishes and leaves the house.

Okay. Little summary would be good now. I'm with my friend's two kids in an apartment that isn't mine. One of the kids is sick and has a little fever. He is sleeping now. Little girl holds my hand and waits me to play with her or something. But first we have to eat breakfast that Grace made to us.

Maddie eats her cereals happily and I can't help but smile at her. She is so happy and cheery little girl. And brave too. After all she is with unfamiliar man and she just keep smiling and laughing. I clean the table and we go to living room.

"Would you like to watch some cartoon? I go check how Will is", I say to her. She smiles and points the movie she wants. I put it on and she concentrates to watch it. I smile when I climb the stairs. Kids are lovely.

I step in the Will's room. He sleeps so I leave quietly. It's good that he is sleeping. Maybe he will be alright in the evening.

My whole day went playing and laughing with kids. Will came downstairs before midday and told that he felt better. He hadn't fever anymore so I let him play with his little sister. I watched them and remembered my own angel, my lovely daughter. She died so many years ago and I remember only our best moments together. I lost my daughter but I didn't lose my love towards the children. I still love children.

Wayne called once and told that he would come home before four o'clock if everything would go like planned. He also told me that Grace was catching the suspect so I couldn't reach her if I wanted so. He promised he would call when he could reach Grace and knows when she could come home. I told him not to hurry because everything was alright and kids were just lovely. He laughed and talked with Will and Maddie couple minutes.

After half hour my phone rings again. I look clock on the wall. It is just two pm. Who would call now and why?

"Jane", I answer.

"Grace called", Wayne starts. I hear worry in his voice. Something is wrong. "She is in her way to home."

"Why is she coming home? What happened to her?" I ask. Why she comes home so early? And why Wayne sounds so scared?

"Wait a sec and I tell you. Nothing happened to _her_. They were catching the suspect when he started to shoot", Wayne tells and sounds more scared. Like… he doesn't know how to say something what he has to say.

And suddenly I understand. I feel the horror going through my mind. No. It can't be. No! Not she, not she. But when I think it twice I know that I made the right conclusion.

"Lisbon?" I whisper. I'm terrified. "What happened? How is she?"

"Three shoots. Straight to her chest", Wayne says uncertainly. "Don't know more, sorry."

"I need to… She… I…I have to go", I say with pauses. I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to translate my thoughts into words.

"Jane, you can do nothing. Let doctors do what they can and wait until Grace is home. She can tell you more", he tells me. I end the call.

What I've done? I have made her hate me and now she is… no. She is not dying. But she hates me and I may not have opportunity to tell her how I love her. In that second I hate myself more than ever. I made her miserable and angry. And now she is… I can't think about it. I just can't. Maybe I'm too weak to even think about her death but then I am and I can do nothing about it. The world without her sounds so dark and cold and bad that I don't want to think it. It sounds so wrong. She is the part of my world.

In fact, she is my world. She is everything I have.

I have to tell her how I feel. The sooner the better. Little voice inside my head tells me that I missed my chance when I walked away. Soon she is out of my reach. Soon I'm all alone. I try hard not to care what evil voice tells me but I can't. Because it is right. I made a mistake and lost my last chance. Who could survive if somebody shoots you three times without missing target?

Like he promised, Grace comes home. As soon as door is open kids run towards her.

"Mommy!" They scream and she hugs them.

"Feeling better, Will?" She asks and Will nods. I look at them with insensitive expression on my face. I carefully remove every feeling on my face so I don't attack on her throat as soon as she is inside. I wait until kids leave her alone and go back to living room to play with little cars.

"How is she?" I ask. I don't even try to hide my emotions anymore. She can see how desperately I want to know. As well she can see how much I hate myself to let this happen and how scared I am. I don't need to hide anything.

"Calm down Patrick, she will be okay", she tries to calm me. I take a deep breath before answering. Otherwise I may yell to her.

"I need to know how she is."

"She was lucky. Her vest saved her", she says. "Doctors need to check her but they believe that she may survive only with couple bruises and that's it."

"Bruises? She got shot!" I yell to her. I don't believe her. She is lying to me. That means… "She is dead, isn't she?"

"No!" She cries out. "No! I wouldn't lie to you about this, would I?"

"Probably you wouldn't. Unless somebody told you to do so", I answer slowly. I try to calm down. I don't want to yell when little kids are listening to our talk.

"And then you would catch me and know that I lied. So believe me, she will be okay. Cho went with her. He will call when he know something specific", she talks. I listen and nod. She is right. I must calm down and wait for more information.

"How did it happen?" This question is clear in my mind. I need an answer. I need to know. I was playing with kids and enjoying my life and laughing and forgetting her while she was in danger. I was having fun while she was angry and almost got killed. I hate myself. I let myself be happy with kids and this is what happens. This is my fault. I'm the one who doesn't have meant to be happy. When I'm happy someone must pay it with her life.

"We were catching our killer. He tried to escape and she got after him. We didn't see the gun and I think she didn't either. She was fast and when the killer made the conclusion he can't escape, he turned on his heels and shot three times. He was faster than anyone could foresee. She had no time to shot first or cover herself", Grace tells quietly so kids don't hear us. "She fell down on the ground and Cho shot the killer. She was gasped for air when I kneeled beside her. She didn't talk but she was trying to get up. We didn't let her and when ambulance came she was even talking a little. There wasn't blood anywhere and she kept demanding to let her go because she 'was alright'. She even claimed that it didn't hurt."

"So ambulance took her to hospital and you came home?"

"Yes, I knew that you need to know what happened and they really didn't need me anymore, so…"

"Cho is in the hospital with her? Where? I want to see her."

"Yea. Umm… Jane, it is probably best to go hospital after Cho's call. So we'll wait, okay?"

"What are you hiding from me?" I ask and my voice rise again. I don't want to yell but I'm scared. I hate myself for being scared at the first place. If I hadn't left her alone that night, she would have known my feelings toward her. And after that… Yea, what after that? She wouldn't get injured because of my confession of love?

Maybe she would still be in hospital but at least she would have known my feelings and I would be next to her bed in hospital too. But now I'm in Grace's home with her and two lovely kids and I have technically told not to go see her. I don't understand why I can't go to see her. I'm not that bad visitor, am I?

"She asked me not to let you go. She told she is tired of looking for you", she answers. I look at her confused. What Lisbon had thought? That I will runaway as soon as I hear she is injured?

"I'm not going anywhere except the hospital."

"Jane, please. Don't do this. I can't fight against you and you know it. Let it be, okay?"

"How can I let it be when she is in hospital and nobody tells me anything?"

"We can go after Cho's-" She starts but the ringtone of her phone interrupt her. "It's him", she simply says. "Grace. Yea, he is next to me. I give to him", she talks and gives the phone to me.

"Jane", I answer quickly. "How is she?"

"She is fine. Nothing is wrong", Cho talks shortly. "She even might get home today."

"How?"

"The bullet vest. Small caliper bullets. She got only bruises."

"Thanks Cho", I answer and give the phone back to its owner. Grace talks a little more with Cho but I don't listen.

She will be alright. She is fine. She might get home in the evening. She didn't die. I feel suddenly wave of relief blowing through my mind. She is alive. I don't know what I would have done if this has ended otherwise. I don't want to think about it. Because the fact is that she will be alright.

I'm relieved. I'm happy. In my mind is blowing emotion hurricane. I can't name all the feelings I feel that moment. There are too many of them. But first of all there is relief and love. They are the strongest feelings and beat every other that tries to affect on their territory. So other feelings are like leaves in the autumn wind. The wind is like love and relief, blowing everything out of their way.

Suddenly I find out that maybe out of sight, out of mind has a little hint of true behind it. I didn't think her when I played with the kids. Now I can't think anything or anyone else. Maybe if you get somebody out of your mind for a moment she will come back there more powerful and be there longer. I remember her. After all I love her and you can't get your the most loved one out of your mind.

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**A/N:** I hope you liked it. Could you review if I ask nicely? I ask anyway: reviews, please? :)


	7. Rules are meant to be broken

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine. I'm admiring Bruno Heller who created The Mentalist.

**A/N:** Sorry again that you had to wait so long. Like always, I want to thank reviewers; _LAurore, amarilis24, Jisbon4ever, Brown Eyes Parker _and _MJ2387_. Here we are with the last chapter. You can probably guess this but yea, I'm going to say it anyway; it's from Lisbon's POV.

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I hate hospitals. They are depressing and disgusting. And the smell! It's so… disgusting. I can't find a better way to describe it. Doctors checked me and found out that nothing was wrong. Nevertheless they wanted to keep me in the hospital over the night but I wanted to go home. After couple hours doctor gave in and let me go. I was alright. I haven't injured seriously and doctors knew it. They just wanted to keep eye on me "if something unexpected happens". But I told them I'm not going to be there if they didn't find another, realistic reason to make me stay. They didn't find so I chose to leave.

I called a taxi and with a small sigh I step in. I rest my head to the cold window. I'm so tired. Tired of everything. I want just sleep and when I wake up I want everything to be better. Like that going to ever happen.

I pay to the taxi driver and walk to my front door. When I open the door I feel relaxing coming over me. Now I'm home. Now I'm in a safety place. I kick my shoes off and walk to the kitchen. I hesitate a second before I choose to drink tea. Maybe it's not good idea drink a coffee before going to sleep, so…

I take my favorite cup, now full of tea and go to the sofa. I put TV on and drink my tea while surfing on the channels. Suddenly there is a quiet knock on my door. I sigh and walk to the door. I don't know what to wait – but whatever I waited he still surprised me.

"Jane", I say with surprise. Whoa. I wasn't waiting him to come. He looks… I don't know. I don't know the right term. He is not sad, he is relieved. And he looks like regretting something. I'm not sure how to describe those feelings. Like he is happy and at the same time unhappy.

"Can I come in?" He asks carefully. I hesitate. Do I want him inside my house again?

"Umm… I was going to sleep", I lie quickly. He nod slowly and forces a polite smile in his face. "Please, come in", I give in with closed eyes and let the door open more. He smiles and steps in. Suddenly he hugs me and presses me tightly against his chest. Little yelp of pain escapes out of my throat. He lets me go quickly.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you", he apologizes almost panicking. I smile a little.

"It's okay."

"I… Why you aren't in the hospital?" Jane starts to say something else but changes his mind in the last moment. I'm curious but I'm not going to ask. He tells me when he is ready, if it was important and must say out loud.

"I don't like hospitals. I wanted to come home", I explain. He shakes his head.

"You are impossible. You are injured! Injured people stays in hospital."

"Nah, it's not so bad."

"It could have been", he says with a dark voice. I wait him to continue but he doesn't.

"Nothing happened so don't worry about it. I'm alright", I try to cheer him up. I'm not sure am I trying to convince him or me.

"But you could be dead!"

"Thanks for reminding", I reply sarcastically. He doesn't even smile at me. He just watches straight to my eyes and looks desperate. I sit down on the couch. "If you want tea, go get it on the kitchen."

"Today when I heard… about you…", he starts quietly. "I was terrified. And when Grace told me more I felt like the sky was falling down. Everything lost its meanings and I was… nothing. I felt so helpless. I could do nothing in the order to help you."

"Jane", I interrupt him gently but he just shakes his head.

"Please, let me explain. Please", he begs and I nod slowly. Okay, I listen then. "I felt like it was my fault. I understood that… that you are my world. You are everything I have", he whispers desperately. I feel tears forming in my eyes. "I love you", he ends so quietly that I almost can't hear it. I stare at him. I don't believe his words. But when I see his expression I know he meant every word he said.

And then here is a silence. I don't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. So we just sit here in an awkward situation. You know when you eventually hear something you have wanted to hear so much that your life depends on it you don't know what to do next. It feels like everything is out of its place. Like green is suddenly red and black is white. Cold is warm and world turns upside down. You just need your time to understand those changes. You need a little time to organize your thoughts again. You may lose your ability to speak for a second. You may not want to say anything in the fear you may destroy everything. You want to understand the situation completely before doing anything. That's what I was doing when he breaks the enchantment by moving his hand.

"I love you", he repeats with a little more power in his voice.

"Do you?" I ask carefully. I try to win some time. I need a couple seconds more before I'm sure I can follow the conversation. He smiles at my expression and I'm sure he knows what I'm thinking. He always knows.

"Yes."

"Good."

"Good? That's the best reply that comes into your mind?" He asks slowly and I can see how sadness creeps into his eyes.

"Yea", I confirm. He shakes his head sadly and turns to watch out of window. "Hey, look at me. You know I'm stubborn."

"So? How your stubbornness joins to this?" He slowly turns to look at me. I can see how tears are forming in his incredible blue eye.

"My mind doesn't change easily."

"Please, tell me. I'm not sure do we speak the same language anymore", he looks confused. I laugh a little before answering. Because hey, you know, Jane isn't the person who gets confused easily.

"I love you like I have always loved", I tell him. "Silly Patrick."

"You're not angry?"

"Why should I?"

"I left you", he answers regretfully. I can see how much this thing has bothered him. Poor Jane, he really thought I would be angry.

"But you came back. And it's all what matters to me", I answer smiling. "Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. The real question is who are capable to admit his mistakes and does something to fix things."

"I was an idiot."

"Yes, you were", I laugh. "But it doesn't make me love you less."

"I don't know what to say", he whispers. He is surprised and relieved at the same time. I move my hand to touch his.

"Then say nothing", I suggest. He smiles.

"That sounds good. I know something definitely better doing to my lips", he jokes. I raise the eyebrow to him.

"Oh really?" Yea, I guess you know when I'm sarcastic. At least he knows because he plays along.

"My guess is that you may like it", he says seductively and I can do nothing but laugh. He can make me laugh with little things like that. Just his way to say it… I know he is playing with me. He is always playing with me.

Before I can say something oh so innocent to him he comes closer and presses his lips softly against mine.

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_Three months later in the CBI headquarters_

"Anyone knows where Jane is?" I ask angrily when I come to kitchenette.

"Nope", Van Pelt answers quickly. Maybe too quickly. "He was on the couch ten minutes earlier but I haven't seen him after that."

"He can't just vanish! Please, if you see him, send him to my office", I roll my eyes in frustration, take my coffee and walk to the office. When I promised him that he can come back to CBI, he promised he won't cause any problems. I didn't believe him. I knew he will be walking disaster but I talked to the big bosses and they wanted him back. So, here we are. Just like ten years ago. Only difference is that now I'm the one who is in the last hand responsible to his actions.

"I heard you wanted to see me", he steps into my office without knocking.

"Yes, sit down", I answer while I walk to the door and close it. I also close the blinds. I don't need an audience.

"I'm not your dog", he complains but sits down to chair anyway. I roll my eyes and he laughs. "But I can buy you a dog if you so badly want one."

"I think I'm alright with one irresponsible puppy in the house", I smile innocently at him. He tries to look like I hurt him by my words but it is not successful try. "You know, that look is not going to work anymore."

"Then I have to try something else", he laughs.

"Yea. You would start your trying… let's say… By following orders? After that one you would like to try how nice it is when you don't get any charges in one month", I say without laugh. I'm angry again. Like I was when I first try to find him.

"Whoa, slow down! I can do anything for you if you let me to do it on my own way", he smirks and winks. I roll my eyes again. He is impossible.

"You know, I appreciate your trying and you close cases but you have to follow orders."

"I follow them."

"You don't even know orders because you don't ever listen to them!"

"Nope, I know every rule and order."

"Tell me one", I challenge him.

"Rules are meant to be broken", he says seriously. I sigh and he laughs. "And you know, I learnt from the best."

"Who is the best?"

"You, of course my dear. If you don't remember, you have broken every single rule ever since you were senior agent and I was your irresponsible consultant to this day", he says with a wide smile.

"I broke rules because of you. And now, there are one big difference between you and me. That badge gives me a permit to break rules and fire you. Your badge tells that you have to follow my orders", I tell him and show my badge. He smiles.

"But if you fire me then I sneak to the crime scene and I don't let you go off my sight for a sec", he still smiles that innocent smile which irritates me. But I know there is a truth behind his words. He tried to make me resign because he didn't stand the fact that I was in the field with criminals and he couldn't help me. He told me he will blame himself if something happened to me again. I told him that I'm not going to resign. So I joked that he would come back. Then we would be together in the danger. He liked the idea and before I truly understood, I had a consultant again. Or maybe I should say Cho had. After all, he is part of Cho's team and I'm the terrible boss who kicks their asses.

I'm happy now. He is happy now. After so many miserable years alone we found our happiness together. We wasted so much time while trying to find our happiness. We threw so many opportunities away but we always got a new one. Luckily we finally understood that happiness was so close to us that we didn't notice it until we gave up from the silly idea of trying to find true happiness. We found it when we didn't look for it. Maybe that is how you really find your happiness. You must give up looking for it and suddenly you notice you found it without trying. Now we live together and we are happy. Our life is not perfect (if it would be, we must be younger and richer and so on) but we have the best time of our lives. Can we ask more?

I don't think so.

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**A/N:** Okay, this is going to be long note. Just warning you guys…

Couple words about the last chapter. I know I may let you down but I really didn't want to write something fluffy ending scene about how they kiss and everything is perfect and they live their life to the end happy together and so on but I definitely wanted a happy ending. I hope you liked my choice and it didn't ruin the whole story. I appreciate if you tell me your opinion about the last chapter and about the whole story. :)

Okay, and now… I want to thank everyone who made this possible. Without readers I wouldn't wrote the story. Also I want to thank everyone who added the story to favorite list. It means lot to me, so thanks _Agathanancy98, Country2776, Sweetylove30, Greezled, Danielle003, MJ2387_ and everyone who is going to do that. Special thanks to the amazing reviewers; _klcarr892, WolfE Cat, LAurore, ztsjl, Brown Eyes Parker, rej, Agathanancy98, Mia66, Country2776, MissDonnie, submar, Jisbon4ever, Totallyfan, Sweetylove30, amarilis24, MJ2387_ and everyone who is going to review afterwards. I adore you all. You gave me reviews that made me smile (and without you this story would have been only the first chapter and that's it) and I hope I wrote the story that made you smile.

I don't know what else to say so maybe I'm quiet now and let you say what you want to say. :)


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